I was desperate to have a place called home. A place for her and me. A place I felt safe. A place full of good memories, and not bad ones. A refuge.Set Free: How a Jiu Jitsu World Champion Found Jesus
I’ve moved more times than I can count. I grew up as a military kid, married into the military, and joined the military. There were times when being mobile was mandatory, but more often being mobile was a choice.
I was always running, always looking for something better. Maybe if I could change houses, I would be happy. Maybe if I keep running, the darkness won’t catch up to me.
I’ve lived in a lot of houses, but never a home. Most of my life was spent in a house where anger and criticism was a normal mode of communication. Do this. Don’t do that. Be this. Don’t be that. The oppression of being controlled in ever facet of existence was suffocating.
The problem with being crushed by controlling men is that after you get out from beneath their thumb, they can still control. Even in a new, empty house the sound of their voice would haunt my ears.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Proverbs 18:21
The word curses spoken over me became a part of my identity. But it wasn’t identity as God would define it. It was a work of hell against me to label me as something God never created me to be.
The words spoken over me impacted my spirit, soul, and body.
People say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
I don’t believe it. Words filled with hate almost killed me.
Without knowing Jesus and who God created me to be, I believed the lies that were spoken over me because they were released by men who were supposed to love me and want the best for me. Instead their criticism and constant need for control crushed me.
God spent over a year trying to convince me that He loved me. He sent prophets and prophetic leaders into my life to speak these words over me.
The lie I believed was, “If these other men didn’t love me, why would God? Wasn’t I unloveable?”
I had to heal from the trauma of the word curses before I could even accept that Jesus loved me. It was a truth that any Sunday school child knows. You can drive down the street and see people holding signs that say “Jesus Loves You.”
But because of my past, I couldn’t believe it. “Love” had to be completely redefined for me. Love meant criticism, control, and abuse.
Now, love means healing, salvation, restoration, and refuge. I never thought I would feel safe and secure, but I’ve never felt safer.
“Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place, no evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling. For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways.”
Psalm 91: 9-11
It doesn’t matter now if I change houses, I will always have a home. I’m part of Jesus’ family, and I have a refuge now I can trust.