The World Went on Without Me

“The world went on without me.”

Set Free: How a Jiu Jitsu World Champion Found Jesus

As I child, I existed to be a fly on the wall.  At home, normally when I heard my name called I was in trouble for something.  The less attention I got, the better my behind felt.  I would hide out in my room for long stretches of time reading books or journalling.  

I went to three different elementary schools and three different high schools.  I was always the new kid, and too shy to make friends.  Normally when I heard my name called, it was the teacher asking for an answer to a question.  Even if I knew the answer, my face would flush beat red.  The less attention I got, the better.  

When I was in an abusive relationship, my abuser isolated me more and more.  Normally when I heard my name called, I could expect an emotional beatdown that would last for hours.  

My whole life, I felt like a loner, and outcast, a prisoner.  I felt like the world went on without me.  I felt invisible.  I felt like I could pass away and nobody would notice.  

Oftentimes in that kind of isolation I wondered why I’d been put on the earth.  What purpose did I have?  I had no impact on anything or anyone.  

When I came to FreedomHouse Jacksonville, outside of my relationships with my spiritual father and other assigned leaders, I felt like a fly on the wall.  I was hungry for the preaching, but was happy to keep my face buried in my note taking.  When the preaching was over, I was quick to run out lest any human interaction cause a flare up of my social anxiety.  

I’d grown to love being invisible.  It was safe to be invisible.  To be isolated.  Trauma and abuse had taught me that relationships were dangerous.  And so I savored being a fly on the wall.  I saw prophets prophesying and healers healing and teachers teaching.  In some ways I coveted their gifts, but who was I to do anything of the sort? 

I was a girl who had been traumatized by life.  I was a girl who wrestled the devil at home, and sought truth to shatter the darkness that surrounded me.  I was afraid.  I was anxious.  I wanted to hide.  

Who was I to God?  I could never do the things others were doing.  I’d been through too much.  There was too much damage.  

Or so I thought.  

It was June 7, 2020 that Dr. Don Lynch shouted my name.  I’d been diligently taking notes as he preached a powerful message called, “The Cross, Not the Curse.”  I’d been conditioned by my past to fear the sound of my name, and so when I head his voice, full of authority, I thought I was in trouble.  I thought I’d done something wrong.  I thought I was about to be punished.  But instead, I heard him speak as a prophetic and apostolic leader in my life.  He spoke in the middle of his sermon in front of the house of people.  I couldn’t run.  I couldn’t hide.  I couldn’t be a fly on the wall.  

As a leader, he was saying what he heard God saying.

“God, in the greatest days of history, has produced and prepared and positioned the greatest people of history.  He reached down, and He said, “Nicole, I created you for now.  I knew you before creation began and before you were formed in your mother’s womb.  Before creation began, I said, “I’m going to save Nicole for the generation that rises in the greatest days in history.  You weren’t born in the days of Noah.  You weren’t born in the days of Moses.  You weren’t born in the days of Jesus.  You were born now because God has before Him, the greatest generation in history, in the greatest times in history.  Would I be in pride if I said that?  Truth never produces delusion.  And pride is delusion.”

I was nothing but a ragtag nobody, or so I thought.  God seemed to have different plans.  Still today, I don’t know what my purpose or destiny is.  I’m still in the process of being healed and restored from my trauma.  I’m still maturing.  

But even in the nine months since I heard that word released, I’ve been transformed into a new creation, and I still have a long ways to go.  

It’s a testament to the power of the cross.  It’s a testament to who God is.  That He could create a destiny for someone who was a fly on the wall her whole life.  That He could take something broken and make something beautiful.  That He could make me to be someone I could never be on my own.  

What’s truly wonderful about God is that He created everyone for now.  Each and every person was known at creation and formed in their mother’s womb.  Every person alive today was saved for the greatest generation in the greatest days of history.  We were born for such a time as this!

It may be a mystery to us now, but we all have a purpose and destiny that is bigger than what we thought was possible.  It doesn’t matter if you’re quiet and shy, or loud and brash.  God transforms us to be someone we could never be on our own!  And it’s all for His glory.  

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