The Hell of Depression and Suicide

“Do you know what Jesus said next?”


“I am the light of the world.  He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.”  

Light.  Light.  Light.  

I wanted light.  I was desperate for it.  I was filled with love for how Jesus treated the woman.  Could a man really be that good? Could I love a character in a story?  

I had so much darkness in my life that the light I felt pouring out of Pastor seemed to throw my concept of truth into chaos.  I couldn’t reconcile what he was saying with what I’d experienced of the world.

Set Free: How a Jiu Jitsu World Champion Found Jesus

I’d been doing well for weeks.  I was full of joy.  Full of hope.  Optimistic about the future.  

But then I felt the creep of tentacles start to pull me back and down into the pit of hell.  

My thoughts started to slip from how great God is to “I’m a failure.  I can’t do anything right.  What’s the point of living if I’m such a wicked, terrible mess?  I’ll never be good enough so why even try?”  

The sound in my head sounded so much like me, I didn’t realize it was a work of hell attacking my mind.  

This morning, I woke up and tried to get my daughter ready for school.  Something was off.  Our normal routine was suddenly impossible for her.  I felt myself get frustrated, and she was frustrated and the morning devolved into a heated mess.  

She was sobbing on the way to school, and I picked her up and carried her.  Something was not right.  I couldn’t understand why she was so upset.  I had tried to talk to her, tried to figure out what was wrong, tried to get her focused on something positive, but she cried and cried and cried.  

We got to the school, and she clung to me, and suddenly I saw it.  I hadn’t seen it all morning because I wasn’t looking for it.  She is normally a joyful, full of life bundle of energy and passion, but today, there was the look of depression and sorrow all over her face.  

Kids were playing all around her and the teachers were attempting to get her to paint, but it was like something was oppressing her, keeping her from engaging with the world around her.  She was experiencing a different reality than they were.  

I stayed with her for 20 minutes until she warmed up enough for me to be able to leave, but on the walk home, I had to hold the tears back.

I thought of all the years I’d gone to school, and life went on without me.  Kids were full of joy and carefree and easily played together.  But there was an invisible wall keeping me from being like everyone else.

What’s wrong with me?  Why am I so sad?  Why am I so miserable?  Why can’t I be like everyone else?  Why?  Why?  Why?  

It was an impossible question I wrestled with for decades.  

I got home, and I asked God what to do.  I felt helpless.  I had wrestled with depression my whole life.  I heard myself saying, “Please God, not her to. Please don’t let my daughter suffer like I did.”  

As I paced around my house praying, I felt led to watch the FreedomHouse Prayer Mountain video the night before.  I hadn’t been there in person or watched it live because I spent the night trying to focus on my daughter.  I almost didn’t watch it today, because I felt like I had to figure out some kind of solution on my own.  

But as I watched, I saw my prophetic leaders praying what they heard the Father saying, and they released prayer to deal with the work of hell against people’s minds.  They prayed to break the power of the spirit of suicide, grief, and depression over people’s minds.  The broke the power of hopelessness off people’s minds – anyone in the room, or listening over the internet.  They broke off the voice in people’s heads that sounds like their own voice, but is really the work of a demon.  And they released a fullness of hope to arise to people that were once hopeless.  People who thought their lives were over, people who were ready to commit suicide, people who thought they were an accident.  

They prayed that those people were not an accident!  They were born in this time for a reason!  For a purpose!  That their lives had value!  

And I just started crying.  I thought of how many times I believed that it was something wrong with me.  Even seeing the depression in my daughter this morning, I asked myself, “What am I doing wrong as her mother?”  

But it wasn’t anything wrong with me when I was a kid.  It wasn’t anything wrong with me now as a mother.  It was a work of hell attacking my mind!  

And God knew what was happening, and was releasing prayers through prophetic leaders to deal with the work of hell.  God knows what His children need, and He works through His leaders to meet those needs.  

I can’t count the times when life was a living hell at home, and I would get around the light of prophetic leaders, and God would release truth through them to help me overcome.  Whenever hell tried to consume me in darkness, I tried to get close to the people that carried the light.  People who could pray to break the power of the work of hell against my mind.  Who could recognize that it wasn’t something wrong with me, it was the enemy attacking one of God’s children.  

Walking in the Light

We write these things so that our joy may be complete. And this is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you: God is light and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.…But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 John 1:4-7

If there are places of darkness in our lives, then it is a place we are fellowshipping with the devil and not God.  Often times, we may not even realize it because satan has deceived us.  I was depressed, and satan deceived me into thinking there was something wrong with me.  I even felt myself wanting to isolate and avoid people. It was satan’s attempt to keep me from seeking out people who carried light and could help me.

As I listened to the prayers of my leaders releasing God’s truth over His children, that lie of hell was confronted with truth and spiritual power was released to set me free from that harassing voice in my head.  

All it took was a leader listening to the voice of God and releasing His will into the earth.  All it took was a prayer of authority.  

I thought back to decades of misery.  Decades of suffering from depression.  All because no one knew.  My parents didn’t know Jesus.  They didn’t know about the power of prayer.  No one knew.  No one knew that the devil attacks our minds and that there are weapons mighty through God to pull down strongholds.  

No one knew.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says:

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

How many people are suffering from depression or committing suicide because there is no one around them who can pray for them.  Who can release light into their lives to overcome the darkness.  How many people are walking through a valley of darkness alone because they don’t have access to a leader to be the light?  

How much damage is satan causing because people lack of knowledge of how things work in the Spirit?  People simply don’t know that there is a solution to these problems, and it’s the blood of Jesus Christ and the power of the cross!  

After watching the prayers of my leaders, I took authority over my house and my family and I started interceding for them.  I was awakened to the truth that satan was attacking the minds of myself and my daughter and I knew that I had authority to pray about it and release God’s spiritual power into the situation.  

We don’t have to tolerate these works of hell!  But unless we know what’s happening, we won’t know how to fight it.  That’s why it’s so important to constantly be searching for the light.  God is always releasing through His leaders, and so as much as I can I search out opportunities to be consumed by light instead of darkness.

In a Kingdom Center, there are opportunities all week to step into light.  We have Healing Rooms on Tues, Thur, and Saturday.  There is Roaring Lions intercession and Prayer Mountain on Wednesday.  We have Level I Freedom Ministry on Thursday nights.  There is PAR on Friday.  Once a month, there is David’s Army on Friday.  And obviously there is a First Day Service on Sunday.  There is KLI.  There is discipleship through spiritual leaders.  There is the Bible.  There is worship music.  

There are constantly opportunities to fellowship with God instead of the darkness.  Dr. Don says “We choose our influences.”  We can choose light or darkness. 

We don’t have to be depressed. We don’t have to tolerate thoughts of suicide. We can fight the works of hell with spiritual weapons through God. We can seek out leaders who can help us and pray for us. We can step out of darkness and into the light!

If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to watch the Prayer Mountain video and receive that prayer. There was much more that God released through them, but it is well worth it to listen to all the intercession, and to hear about all the good that God is doing in the world.

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