I Don’t Know What’s Going On

I was walking into Freedom Ministry Level 2 (Power of Holy Spirit) and I went up and hugged someone.  

“Are you ready for freedom?!”  I asked.  

“Yea, but I don’t know what’s going on,” they replied.  I laughed.

“That’s good!  Keep going!”  I said.  

The interaction brought so much joy to my heart.  I looked back at when I’d first started attending FreedomHouse, less than 2 years ago.  I’d had the same thought, “I don’t know what’s going on.”  

If I’m really being honest, I still don’t, but I’ve become more comfortable with not knowing.  Most times when I feel like I’ve got a handle on what’s happening, I’m really just operating in pride, which is delusion.  Anytime I start thinking I’ve got things “figured out,” my fathering leader comes and faithfully pops my bubble, and I get back to realizing I have no idea what’s going on.  

Most times, sonship feels like a trust fall into destiny that takes years and years.  You follow a leader who is following Christ, and instead of falling back and knowing there’s a person there to catch you, you fall forward and an unseen God catches you.  The contact with Abba Father transforms you, and you become a little more of who He created you to be.

On my pathway, I rarely knew where I was going or why I was doing the things I was doing.  All I knew was that God had brought leaders into my life, and I had a bunch of prophetic words saying to trust them.  

Each test of submission and obedience kicked up a hell storm of fear, anxiety, depression, insecurity, pride . . . Dr. Don says the enemy will do whatever it takes to stop you.  The only way forward is to overcome.  

I had human leaders, but each storm presented an opportunity to know God in a new way.  And each storm presented a challenge that required increasing levels of grace.  

“God, I can’t do this without you.”  
“Daughter, here’s grace to overcome.”

“God, I’m afraid.” 
“Daughter, here’s my perfect love to cast out fear.”

“God, I need you.”
“Daughter, I’m here.”

The tests of submission were challenges that I couldn’t overcome without divine intervention, and He showed up every time.  But He only had room to do that when I opened the door.  When I trusted Him to do what He promised.  When I surrendered the problem to Him.  

Sometimes assignments came from leaders, sometimes HS was leading me to talk to a stranger.  But each time I was obedient, I received grace to overcome.  And that overcoming broke off fear and doubt and insecurity.  Being obedient transformed me.  

In the Level 2 session, a powerful preacher and prophet spoke about how God already has a strategy for us to become who He created us to be so we can accomplish our purpose.  That pathway looks like a trail of little tests of obedience that transform us into the person who can achieve our ultimate purpose.  

Do I know what that looks like?  Not a chance.  

But I can see who I am today and how much freedom I’ve gotten, and see how the last 2 years of obedience have been the cause.  At FreedomHouse, they say that we should only thank leaders for their obedience.  I used to think that was minimizing them, but now, having walked through a difficult journey, I see how thanking someone for their obedience is a high level of honor.  

It’s not easy to be obedient to God.  Most times it feels like you’re dying for a really long time until you see breakthrough.  But that breakthrough and the joy of the Lord is so precious.  God’s character is revealed in the darkness – in the surrender.  It’s when we lay down our lives on the altar that we trade who we are for a glimpse of who He is.  He’s worth it every time.

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