Holy Spirit gave me the assignment this morning to go back into my book, and do readings of each chapter as part of a new blog series.  My heart can’t help but break for the woman I used to be.  I’ve been walking as a spiritual daughter of Dr. Joshua Todd for a little less than 2 years, and I’ve received so much healing, freedom, and deliverance that I’m not even the same person.  

I was a slave to darkness.  I felt like my life was a living hell.  I was so hopeless and so desperate for relief from all my suffering.  I tried so hard to change my circumstances – to get my life back on track.  But all my efforts ended in failure.  

I was looking for help from a broken system, and instead of finding justice, I found doors slammed in my face.  Everywhere I turned was a dead end.  I was fighting with everything I had the only way I knew how, to no avail.  All my striving led to waste.  Wasted time.  Wasted effort.  Wasted money.  

I had nothing to show for all my hard work.  

I was mired in a whirlwind of chaos and misery.  I felt like control of my life was in the hands of people who hurt me; that I had no say over what was best for me and my daughter.  They didn’t care how much pain I had to endure as a consequence of their actions.  

It felt like at least once a week I would hit my breaking point where I felt like I couldn’t endure any longer.  If life was that dark and that evil and that unjust and that painful, what was the point of being alive?  What was the point of moving forward?  I had no hope.  

The only thing that kept me going through the darkness was the passion I had to protect my daughter.  Whatever it took to fight for her – to make sure she didn’t have to go through what I went through – I was willing to do it.  She was everything to me, and without her, I don’t think I would be alive today.  

At the time, I thought leaving Florida was the answer to my problems.  I thought that if I could get away from the person who had abused me and continued to torment me, then she and I could start a new life.  We could start over and build something beautiful.  I didn’t know then that even if I left, I would have carried the scars and wounds of what I’d done and what had been done to me.

2 years later, my life is filled with such joy and love.  Not because external circumstances changed.  I’m still in Florida and my custody situation is the same.  But finding Jesus and walking a pathway of discipleship has welcomed God into every area of my life.  Places where I was broken were healed.  Places where I was empty were filled.  Places were I felt sorrow were filled with joy.  

The ashes of my life were transformed into something beautiful.  

I was giving my daughter everything, but I was a shell of a woman broken by life circumstances.  I loved her with everything I had, but now I know she needed more than what I had to give at the time.  God has filled me to overflow with His love, and it’s in the overflow that I’m able to pour into my daughter’s life.  Only after being healed and set free have I been able to give my daughter what I always wanted for her.  

I could have never done that without Jesus.  He has been my answer to everything.  Every day He captures my heart, and continues to be the love of my life.  Life without Jesus was pain and darkness, but now – life and love and joy abound.  

If you’re interested in learning more about the process I walked through as a spiritual daughter, check out Dr. Joshua Todd’s series Seasons of Sonship.  They will change your life.  They changed mine.